The title feels a bit like its mocking its own film. When the movie industry was right, Eenie Meanie would have been in theaters for a few weeks, in an attempt to try to make Samara Weaving into a movie star. But we’re in 2025, so she has to settle for “you know, the one that isn’t Margot Robbie or Emma Mackey” on a streamer, hoping against hope this one connects with audiences.
Weaving plays Edie, a twentysomething graduate of the Cleveland foster system, trying to right what was a murky past. But she’s drawn back into her old life through her ex(?) John (Karl Glusman), a dipsh*t of epic proportions. He runs afoul of local mob boss Nico (Andy Garcia), who demands $3 million from him in a month. The only way to pay that is to help him with a Toledo casino heist as a driver…something Edie may or may not have some history with.
Eenie Meanie’s modest ambitions are its saving grace. The bar is low here, meaning any positive results are a bonus during the projected 90 minute background noise. Thankfully, Samara Weaving actually showed up and cared. She elevates that first half where the movie needs her to carry it until the heist kicks in. She’s gotta be the emotional, reactionary, and joke delivery center all at once, and she pulls it off, making it look like a piece of cake. The mediocre script is at least smart enough to make Edie smarter than everyone else logically…but emotionally a mess, giving Eenie Meanie the push and pull justification it needs when she makes seemingly dumb choices. And she looks great behind the wheel during the action sequences, which for the most part are fun and competently executed if cut a bit to death.
Modest ambitions are also Eenie Meanie’s curse. The movie throws everything at the wall to try to emotionally invest you in its insipid tale. The toxic love angle the movie wants to explore isn’t executed well enough, forced to backstory dump the reasons instead of showing us why Edie keeps John around at all. I counted at least 5-10 subplots the movie throws in as well, impossible to work effectively with such a short runtime. Those subplots also take time away from the main story, which renders some of the twists and double crosses incoherent and confusing. Only Edie and slightly Nico come out interesting at all; everyone else feels less like a character than a plot device to weigh down Samara Weaving into the deep waters of the silly plot. Thankfully, you can’t stop an eagle from flying.
In the end, Eenie Meanie ended up where it belongs. You’ll look up when you hear a loud noise, or you see the beautiful Samara Weaving dominating the screen while you fold laundry or whatever you need to do around the house. I guess I’m not really being an eenie meanie but more of a Debbie Downer. Sorry, y’all. At least Cleveland rocks!