And the Fast and Furious franchise has hit self aware mode. What started as a street racing Point Break ripoff has now become an international spy jumping blockbuster bonanza! Once Vin Diesel, Tyrese Gibson, Michelle Rodriguez, and everyone gets into badass cars, get ready to blast off; in F9’s case, literally. Justin Lin leans on tried and true F&F storytelling to move from one action piece to the next, throwing in a little John Cena here and there along the way because at this point, time, logic, and character development really don’t matter with these bonafide moneymaking movie machines.
Dom (Vin Diesel) and Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) are happily raising their son Brian on a secluded farm off the grid. The grid pulls them back in when Tej (Ludacris), Roman (Tyrese Gibson), and Ramsey (Nathalie Emmanuel) let Dom/Letty know that the plane carrying super hacker Cipher (Charlize Theron) went down. In searching the wreckage, Cipher is nowhere to be found, but Dom finds out his estranged little brother Jakob (John Cena), has been involved in whatever happened there. From there it’s apparently necessary we go to Cologne, London, Tbilisi, Mexico, Edinburgh, and Tokyo to stop whatever the hell Jakob and Cipher are up to. With family issues dug up along the way.
I outright laughed at the runtime this movie has: 2 and a half hours! That’s crazy I though: what the hell do they need all that time for? Well, with Justin Lin returning, it looks like he gave a thought to the current state of the Fast & Furious franchise. All these characters are now basically superheroes right? They do crazy, death defying things and never die, over and over again. Lin realized when making F9: wait, don’t superheroes need origin stories? That’s right. F9 is the Dom Toretto origin story. We get at least 30-45 min of footage of young Dom (Vinnie Bennet), young Jakob (Finn Cole), and how they became the macho beefcake driving savants we know and love today. These scenes, while meant to be informative, are unintentionally hilarious, particularly watching poor Vinnie Bennet doing a Dom Toretto impersonation completely stone faced. What Diesel’s doing is so creepily inhuman that watching a real person attempt it only generates laughter. That also means Jordana Brewster backstory cramming in another 20 minutes, and Han’s (Sung Kang) return (mirroring Lin’s return), there’s another 30-45. So we’re already at least at the 90 minute mark, and that’s not even counting any of the other 90 members of Dom’s “family.”
You might be wondering then, “is there any driving in this movie?” Or “where is the fun stuff?” Yes, thankfully, there’s fun and driving aplenty! The highlight here are the devilishly unrealistic but creative action pieces. Lin finds a way to incorporate new wrinkles into the set pieces: landmines, rockets, for example, with the silly fun highlight being magnets. Doesn’t matter how unrealistic it is if it’s fun! We get cars flying, cars rappelling across ravines, cars surviving rocket hits, and cars drive face down ass up for miles at a time. Lin certainly has an eye for a crazy setpiece, and his crazy direction keeps this movie from falling fully into bloated hell. Charlize Theron finally gets her character now, really having a blast hamming it up and dressing down these powerful but completely insecure men. In fact, the ladies really stand out here, and are clearly having the most fun. Helen Mirren gets 10 minutes and is just a Grade A badass oozing class and elegance. And Nathalie Emmanuel gets one of the F9’s highlights as she gets a character trait reveal that no one really expected but you’ll totally enjoy. As for everyone else, you get a lot of what you expect. Vin is entering the Lil’ Jon phase of his career, saying something like 20 lines repeated giving people the hits. In fact, almost everyone else is on autopilot, just giving the people what they want and cashing their prodigious checks.
Family. Cars. Punching. Explosions. At this point, if you don’t know or care for the Fast & Furious formula, then F9 isn’t gonna probably work for you. I can eyeroll through the self serious family crap as long as the cars are cool and the action is from the deranged mind of a 15 year old boy, which Justin Lin’s movie totally is. Plus if you need a nap, you have long sequences you can doze off for; just let the explosions serve as your awesome alarm clock.