FNAF is back! Like there was any doubt. The first made a gagillion dollars, meaning we’re at least gonna complete the main 4 video game plots, and maybe even the greater Five Nights At Freddy’s world. If I were only a teenage boy between 11 and 15, that would be sick! Everyone else? Depends on how much you like Josh Hutcherson.
After the first FNAF, everyone is trying to move on, with varying levels of success. Poor Vanessa Shelley (Elizabeth Laird) is having nightmares about her father William Afton (Matthew Lillard) as well as her first traumatic loss of her young friend Charlotte (Audrey Lynn Marie). Vanessa tries to keep in contact with Mike Schmidt (Josh Hutcherson) and his sister Abby (Piper Rubio), but they’re also in a new house, coping with their own feelings about Freddie Fazbear & friends. This uneasy stasis gets broken when the Spectral Scoopers podcast, led by Lisa (Mckenna Grace) go to the OG Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza, hoping for great footage. Suffice to say, that does not go well, as Freddy, Chica, Bonnie, and the other animatronics apparently can WiFi to all the Fazbear locations. Perfect timing, as FazFest is about to descend on the area, nice cover for say, psychotic robots to blend in?
FNAF 2 couldn’t just be the same, some new blood has to be inject into the proceedings. At least they found one great new animatronic to use here. There’s a marionette that is about as creepy at William’s robot, especially with the way the powers are used. The best jump scares from the movie are from the puppet, making my heart leap a couple times. The new location uses water effectively: turns out creepy robots are more creepy with a water filter. FNAF lore is wonderfully dispatched here too, as Mike at one point is at a computer, with a Fazbear mask, trying to not get caught by a bunch of animatronics hunting him while trying to disable security cameras or close vents. By that point, I think I got what Emma Tammi/Scott Cawthon were actually doing: Five Nights At Freddy’s 2 is supposed to be gateway horror (even with the movie opening with the murder of a 10 year old girl, yeesh). Teenagers on the precipice will get to feel jump scares, tension building, and blood free violence probably for the first time here.
Maybe even a first theater makeout from it! Because when “character development” is happening, I strongly considered trying to put my arm around the 48 year old parent I was sitting next to. Other than Vanessa, ever human in FNAF sucks. They are solely built as plot movers at best (poor Theodus Crane, I hope you like your substantial paycheck playing one of the worst stereotypes I’ve seen in some time). Mike is a horrible brother, and even worse romantic partner, actively manipulating the women in his life because that’s the “best” solution. Abby makes no sense: she’s a decent robotics teenager that has friends at school but still wants to talk to robots that murdered people? Ok. Wayne Knight gets to play a teacher that definitely would have been fired. William and security guard Michael (Freddy Carter) are the only characters I was ok with, but one of those is a serial killer, not great Mike! The big emotional ending is so stupid I burst out laughing, when I think the creators were expecting the big Vanessa/Mike moment to be really sad.
So I guess I gotta find a makeout partner for FNAF 3. The ending sets up what could have been a juicy finale if not for the stupid storytelling, so I don’t really care that much. So Freddy, you have my blessing to start killing main characters now. Watching Josh Hutcherson get ripped apart by Chuck E Cheese knockoffs? That would stop me from kissing my date, for sure.