This is gonna shock the Bridesmaids contingent. There will be a group of moviegoers walking into this one going “I Love that Rose Byrne from Bridesmaids and Neighbors.” They’re gonna walk out of If I Had Legs I’d Kick You still in love with Rose Byrne…but also incredibly traumatized from the film they just watched. Especially the moms.
Cause Linda (Byrne) is living a mom’s worst nightmare. Her daughter (Delaney Quinn) is underweight, attached to a tube through her belly to try to bulk up and get better from whatever horrible disease afflicts her. On top of stern pressure from Dr. Spring (Mary Bronstein, hopefully not as mean as a director), Linda also is single parenting while her husband is away at work. Oh, and a pipe burst above her apartment so she’s living in a motel until that gets fixed. Oh yeah, and she’s also got a job as a therapist with an emotionally fragile mom Caroline (Danielle Macdonald) as well as a horny teen Stephen (Daniel Zolghadri) hot for Linda, plus a boss (Conan O’Brien) who doubles as Linda’s therapist, muddying those relationship waters. And worst of all, the wine can’t be bought after 2 AM.
Rose Byrne here channels the plight every mother bears but very few publicly see. Linda has to be “on” essentially 18 of the 24 hours of the day, in various different capacities. By the time she gets her daughter to sleep at night, she’s a shell of a human, only capable of consuming wine and nothing else. This part of her life feels like a trap she can’t escape, except maybe when she’s venting to her boss/therapist, as everyone bombards here with demands/annoyances/frustrations, etc and she just has to sit there and take that judgment or risk the consequences for her kid or her family. You know a Linda when you see one: lights are on but nobody’s home out of sheer exhaustion/protection by the brain. Pre-Bridesmaids, Byrne was nominated for Emmys for Dramas, meaning she can do both comedy and drama equally well. As Linda she walks the line magnificently, with some of the funniest dialogue when you least expect it, then just getting bulldozed to tears by her overwhelming life. It’s an incredible performance I will only be kicking people to show them how awesome it is.
The other surprise is Conan O’Brien. He’s NEVER done anything like this before. A weird haircut and glasses with no self-aware guffaws prepare the audience that this isn’t the late night funnyman. This is a character and a performance he’s giving. It succeeds more than it doesn’t, and becomes a nice salve the movie needs in the middle of its disheartening descent into madness. O’Brien and Byrne are excellent together, finding volatile but believable therapist therapy sessions. I don’t know if Conan can do anything after watching him here, but I know that he can maybe give this supporting actor thing a try for a little while and probably do alright.
If you’re going to watch If I Had Legs I’d Kick You, don’t expect a light romp of a romcom. This is heavy, serious fare, with pressure relief jokes necessary to keep you from severe melancholy. Sounds perfect for a Wednesday right before bedtime, so you can wash the movie away with your sleep, and smile fondly about Rose Byrne’s acting prowess.