Throw in the spider woven silk towel I guess. Sony clearly gave up on Madame Web a long time ago, and dumped in early in 2024 so they can move onto their Sinister 6 and Spider Verse plans instead. So sucks to be Dakota Johnson, Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced, and Celeste O’Connor…and audiences as well, wasting 4 incredible actors time on this garbage instead of letting them cook in better projects like the ones I linked to their names that you should watch instead of Madame Web.
After a strange 1973 backstory dump, we move to 2003 at least the time card says. Orphan Cassandra Webb (Dakota Johnson) is a grown up paramedic. After a rescue nearly drowns Cassandra, she’s saved by her paramedic partner Ben (Adam Scott). But not just saved…she gains clairvoyance and the ability to see into the near future. Just in time too, because sinister Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim) is on the warpath, trying to murder 3 teens that are tied to his fate: Julia (Sydney Sweeney), Anya (Isabela Merced), and Mattie (Celeste O’Connor).
If you’re paying even a little attention, you can tell every behind the scenes power player peaced out of Madame Web quickly. It probably started with the villain casting, as Tahar Rahim is too trained on acting in good films to slum it in this one; I think 95% of his dialogue is dubbed, and most doesn’t fit with his mouth movements. So instead of recasting, Sony cut and ran. The dialogue is that nails on chalkboard screenwriter variety, where every character talks in themes or metaphors, and has forgotten how to talk like a normal person because the plot needs to get movin. The special effects makers use quick edits and flashing light to hide the truly horrendous green screen they had to deliver on the tight dumpuary timeline. The movie has 2003 music markers, including a Halle Berry Catwoman banger, but also has all sorts of 1990s hits too, clearly not thinking about their timeline real hard. Even really good ideas like a murderous spiderman and some decent horror movie setups are so poorly executed that any potential evaporates like Sony’s monetary backing. This indifference at its worst leads to lazy offensive stereotyping too, using icky tropes like non-English cultural mystic figures to deliver sage advice to the white person and minority characters murdered to help the white leads learn about responsibility.
There’s really only one reason to see this movie: Dakota Johnson and the 3 eventual spiderwomen. Johnson’s already been a part of a poorly written franchise. Those lessons prove wonderful here, as she sells the sh*t out of this horrendous dialogue, putting her own pizazz on it to make it even a little palatable. Sweeney, Merced, and O’Conner have like a 20 minute sequence where they’re stuck alone, but due to their star wattage, they overcome the trash written for them with their talents. So after watching that middle section where Johnson and the spiderwomen are in a weird road trip, just walk out of the theater: the movie doesn’t get better.
Maybe most telling, Sony pulled any post credits sequences to entice people to stay. So if the studio doesn’t care about Madame Web, neither should you or I. I am happy those 4 ladies got some insane checks, and can go on making great films with that little nest egg. And I’m happy Mis-Teeq got some play again, the funniest meta joke tying Madame Web and Catwoman stupidly together.