It’s almost impossible to make all the wrong decisions making a movie. There’s too many voices, some of whom will get something. So congratulations DJ Caruso: you kept all those good instincts and producers at bay while you crusaded on with your vision of Mary. Your heinous, truly ludicrous vision.
We all know the general bulletpoints by now. Mary (Noa Cohen) is visited by the angel Gabriel (Dudley O’Shaughnessy) and told she will be giving birth to the king of the Jews, named Jesus. She reluctantly accepts Joseph’s (Ido Tako) marriage proposal. From there, the couple journey to Bethlehem, fleeing the despotic rule of King Herod (Anthony Hopkins) to pay their taxes and hopefully deliver the baby in an inn. Though that plan might have complications.
Caruso actually had an archbishop spiritual advisor on this film, and said he wanted to make Mary and her story more relatable to modern kid audiences. Ok, I’m on board with that! So how did our guy do? Tell me girls, have you ever stared at a ruler/power figure and sort of cast a spell on him as if you have superpowers. You have? Ok how about this one: did you instantly flirt with your future husband after he creepily watches you quasi undress, then darts into the river you’re at to explain himself? 2 for 2 you say. Well, if after all of that, did you after recently giving birth scale the rooftops of a building on fire, jumping off onto a horse careening into the blaze? Oh, that’s too far for you I guess. The better question is if the spiritual advisor is ok with these, um, creative licenses, where else could we go?
Challenge accepted! If Mary can be the action movie damsel in distress, Joseph can be our swashbuckling hero. He gets into at least one swordfight here defending Mary from Herod’s guards. He’s also quite adept at finishing the job. I counted 2 human murders he commits: one during a duel, and one using a burning ropenet to suffocate one of Herod’s guards. Don’t remember that in the Gospel, I might have paid more attention. Also, I might have dreamt this, but I believe at one point Joseph kills Satan (Eamon Farren) too, showing he’s more like Van Helsing, taking on supernatural forces alongside his husband/battalion leader duties. It’s a good way to make everyone forget he was basically sweaty in the bushes leering at the mother of Christ.
There are 1 star movies that make you angry after you see them, like Robert Zemeckis’s Pinocchio. Mary is the opposite of that. Despite the biblical bizarro world on display, you will cackle with glee at every choice this film makes. Frankly, I wish the movie had gone farther into supernatural territory. I wanted an epic Gabriel vs. Satan battle, with Gabriel winning and creating the star of Bethlehem in the sky. Or Herod becomes some sort of shapeshifting demigod, wandering the streets looking for the prophetic king of the Jews who’s supposedly coming. We’re already so wrong, let’s get way wronger y’all. Merry Christmas!