What a better way of starting a review of epic filmmaking than with the VelociPastor. The reason that movie wasn’t that terrible is because it clocked in at a tight, brisk 75 minutes long. 75 minutes. Get in and get out. Great love it.
Well, these movies below aim for something a little grander than a half priest, half velociraptor trying to take down drug dealing Christian ninjas. Part of the movie rating below is how many VelociPastor’s it takes to fill the time of the film. Block out half (or maybe all) of your day, and enjoy these releases!
Eccentric widowed inventor fixes up old car and goes on adventure with his kids and a single woman living nearby.
Is It Worth Your Time?
This is why you don’t put a Disney Starring actor into a James Bond story written by the James and the Giant Peach writer. This movie is more of an on paper movie, as everything sounds fun enough, but doesn’t quite click in practice. Dick Van Dyke as an eccentric inventor? Yes, fine, and he does get to do Dick Van Dyke things. The songs are pretty meh by kids movie standards, probably the movie’s biggest deterrent. Set design and machine design are wonderful, but the effects are also dated. Let’s just say this movie was of its time, and that time only.
3 interconnected stories showing how love’s a b*tch, as the title suggests.
Is It Worth Your Time?
Even though he’s won Oscars for other films, this might be the best thing Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu has ever done, and in his first film! Inarritu explores concepts of unrequited love, falling out of love, forbidden love, and unconditional love, and more importantly, the consequences of those emotionally flawed scenarios. The result? A potent tapestry of feelings that stays with you for a long time, and a movie that might be unwatchable if you’re a pet owner.
POWs in a Japanese prison camp attempt to build a bridge to keep solider morale, but may be inadvertently helping the enemy.
Is It Worth Your Time?
David Lean’s epics I enjoy best (Lawrence of Arabia, Dr. Zhivago), because they’re more complicated, engaging stories with immense payoffs. This one is probably his best, taking pre Kenobi Alec Guinness, William Holden, and Sessue Hayakawa and putting them in a war triangle battle of wills, with a series of great subplots that are nearly as compelling as the main story. In addition, Lean has a way of crafting epic shots that take your breath away; here he opens and closes with one, in particular the closing one is explosively maginificent.
Famous Indian tale of a father and son in a battle over a son’s love of a common slave, instead of a woman of class and wealth.
Is It Worth Your Time?
This Bollywood legend took over a decade to make. That’s because it is as lavish a film as I have seen. The color remake bursts everywhere with every color the eye can see. The sets are gigantic and ornate, and give the famous story its proper grandeur. Plus what the heck, they threw in early examples of war elephants. All this money is there to keep you from seeing that this story is written like a Cliffs Notes version of the real thing, with completely obvious characters proclaiming instead of talking to one another. But it doesn’t matter, cause there’s a colorful song and dance number coming up!
An incredible 3!!!! VPs. That’s right, you could watch VelociPastor 3 times before you finish Ben-Hur.
The Hook
About of the man who gave Jesus water while he was carrying the cross, and his crazy story about how he got there.
Is It Worth Your Time?
The epic of all epics, almost 4 hours long! This Biblical Epic has everything you’d want in a big, big film. Charlton Heston booming declarations make everything Judah says important. A tale of a man’s fall from power and rise back into it. Amazing set pieces, including a terrific water battle, and the chariot race to end all chariot races. Throw in a little savior of the world, and you’ve got yourself something that demands it be so long, even though you could easily cut an hour of this movie out…
