Anaconda is the movie equivalent of a mediocre Brazilian Churrascaria. Instead of getting the lovely salad bar, you just eat the endless meats thrown at you. At first its tasty, but after a while you’re just food coma’d out, ready to pass out from overwhelming your body. The 2025 Anaconda remix is throwing a lot at you, some of it’s good, some bad, but it’s just a lot, which ultimately ends up leaving no impression other than I’m gonna need a nap after.
The gang gets back together in Buffalo New York for Doug’s (Jack Black) surprise birthday party. After nostalgically watching the film they made as teens, best friend Griff (Paul Rudd) convinces Doug, newly single lawyer Claire (Thandiwe Newton) and requisite weirdo Kenny (Steve Zahn) to go to the Brazil and reboot Anaconda, which Griff has the rights to. The quad venture to The Amazon, taking a boat captained by Ana (Daniela Melchior) alongside their snake wrangler Carlos (Selton Mello). But when Carlos’s snake has an “accident”, the group are forced deeper into the jungle, which, and this is gonna sound crazy guys, might have a BIGGER Anaconda than the one Carlos was taming.
Meat buffet on its surface sounds good right? Just like the casting here. Paul Rudd and Jack Black (filet and sirloin) are funny as hell, but never led a movie together. Sounds good to me. Thandiwe Newton and Steve Zahn as wildcards (shrimp and chicken). Sure, they might do something silly, Zahn for sure makes some choices. Throw in Daniela Melchior (Fraldinha) to play it straight and Selton Mello (Estrogonofe) to be wonderfully weird as Portuguese speaking supporting players, and you have a lot of stuff in there…but it’s still not enough. Enter writer/director Tom Gormican (the wacko cook), who’s done decent work making movies within movies with Nic Cage. So now we’ve also got an Anaconda movie where 1997’s Anaconda exists, meaning we can work in all sorts of self-referential jokiness (the bacon wrapped filet). This sounds like a dinner I’ll be salivating over.
But it’s like eating these meats with no seasoning, no salad bar, in an undecorated restaurant. There’s parts of Anaconda’s 2025 meal that are satisfying. But there’s something missing at the core of the movie. We’ve taken a 1997 self-serious B movie with unhinged movie performances and cheesy special effects, and done the exact opposite in the present day. This is a polished studio film, referencing it’s past for purely commercial gain. Between the two, I always choose the former, which at least is trying to make something interesting. 2025 Anaconda has little interest in doing that, only here for self preservation. The cast does the best they can with the garbage they’re given here, but with the exception of Selton Mello, Steve Zahn, and a couple third act surprises, this Anaconda feels like smart people trying to make a dumbed down movie to condescend to the public, essentially the large dump you’re about to take after leaving the restaurant.
I’m hungry now. But not for this Anaconda meal, unsatisfying ultimately. What should have happened is Paul Rudd and Jack Black come in and play their Anchorman characters, with Steve Zahn doing his Strange Wilderness bit leading the party, one of the funnier dumber movies that is lost to time.