Battleship is big, dumb, and stupid. It is also a lot of fun. Like the drunk jock at a frat, Battleship proudly showcases the power of camaraderie and selflessness that a brotherhood like the Navy can generate. Using one cliché after another, Battleship’s naval command plunges headlong towards the obvious ending, grid pattern and all. The clichés don’t sink the Battleship, but they do hinder it.
When we first meet Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch), he’s just committed several misdemeanors and maybe a felony to get the pretty girl at the bar (Brooklyn Decker) a chicken burrito. So naturally, he becomes a Lieutenant in the Navy in a few short months with the help of his brother (Alexander Skarsgard). Wouldn’t ya know it, on the day that Hopper is about to ask for Sam’s dad’s (Liam Neeson, the Naval Admiral) permission to marry his daughter, the super powerful transmission to an Earth like planet yields results: terrible, terrible results like aliens surrounding Hawaii in an impenetrable dome. Fortunately, the multi generational and multinational Naval conference is conveniently taking place at the same time. Young and old naval members must join forces to overcome the alien battleships and prove America’s Navy is the best in the universe.
At least the clichés in Battleship are for a positive message for all the PG-13 aged kids going to see this movie. The crime is quickly forgotten at the beginning for something better, and through the loss of a loved one, young Alex learns how to be a better man. The Navy should use Battleship as a promotional video. All heroic figures get a chance to be heroic, and the bad guys are so bad they don’t even get to say anything because they can’t speak. Battling a mute enemy is even harder since they can’t let their plan slip during a diabolical montage (only ESP). Any attempt to search for nuance in this film will be a waste of time. Battleship is skin deep.
Hasbro gets probably the best version of this movie out there though. Peter Berg (the director) probably walked in and said only the following: Friday Night Light’s star football player, America, Brooklyn Decker, Rhianna, and Alien Battleships. What better product placement then all those can’t miss selling points? Battleship gets the ship names in there: destroyer, carrier, etc. It even has a fun grid pattern search and destroy (Cannot believe no one said “You sunk my battleship”). The special effects are pretty fun and good until you get to the aliens, and the musical score is old school rock and roll, icing on the marketing cake.
Not worth my time to discuss the acting or script, because that is not the reason to see Battleship. Kitsch is fine, the rest are in it for the paycheck, and Brooklyn Decker’s sole presence is to wear a sexy white T-shirt. USA!
Battleship proudly waves the American flag in the vein of Independence Day. If those two become a 4th of July doubleheader on HBO, we could do worse. Just salute the flag and the troops and go about your everyday lives.