I get what Fountain of Youth is going for. At its best, this is like National Treasure: using Western folklore and real history to make up a fun globe hopping adventure. Apple really pulled the big guns for this one: a great action director, a comedy and action leading man, an Oscar winner leading lady, and a host of rising talent overqualified in supporting parts. But, as you might expect, the Fountain of Youth works in mysterious ways; maybe the streamer should have had someone else taste the water first.
Luke Purdue (John Krasinski) has vaulted up Interpol’s most wanted list, drawing the attention of Inspector Jamal Abbas (Arian Moayed) as well as a mysterious woman named Esme (Eiza Gonzalez), though Luke’s ok with her following him. Turns out when you steal world famous art, wealthy people are gonna get mad. Luke’s lucky though, because he’s well connected: he’s got a rich benefactor named Owen Carver (Domhnall Gleeson) bankrolling this theft in search of, well, the title gives it away. Oh, and when he gets stumped, he’s lucky enough to have lil’ sis Charlotte (Natalie Portman) on speed dial. And, wouldn’t ya know it, Charlotte’s a museum curator/art historian? I know you’re as shocked as I am!
Even though we’re in a lot of rooms, Guy Ritchie at least does his best to make Fountain of Youth feel like a big deal. We get lots of overhead tracking shots across the planet as the Purdues are chased all over the place. We see everyone in real life locations, something that’s becoming easier to spot, and at this point appreciate that there is no green screen. And even when we spend time on lots and indoors, the rooms Ritchie puts us in are warehouses, or incredible Viennese museums, or gigantic underground caverns. As such, it’s important for the action to deliver in a big way; it does, but only sometimes. The first action sequence really fun and well designed enough: a car/motorcycle chase through Bangkok sets the stage for what we’re hopefully gonna be in for. But one in the middle is the highlight: it walks this great line between history and fantasy, finding the action caper sweet spot the movie never quite hits again.
Fountain of Youth’s bigness is a real breath of fresh air, because the rest of the pieces of the film are really bad. The movie tries to hide it with great casting, but most of the people like Carmed Ejogo, Arian Moayed, and Domhnall Gleeson get nothing to do. So that means we’re really relying on John Krasinski, Natalie Portman, and Eiza Gonzalez to carry these poorly sketched out leads over the finish line. Gonzalez fares best, since she’s now a Guy Ritchie vet, and being mysterious and sexy is I think her default state. Unfortunately most of the movie needed John Krasinski and Natalie Portman to pull off big brother/little sister sibling energy and comedic sniping. Krasinski is all right, but proves at least to me that maybe he’s best as a 2nd comedic banana instead of a leading action comedy star. Worse, Portman is pretty miscast here: she lacks the comedic chops to elevate the mediocre jokes and fails with Krasinski to find some ying/yang energy. Most of the banter between the two annoying instead of funny, meaning a lot of people are gonna be reaching for their phones half watching Fountain of Youth until we’re in London, or Bangkok, or somewhere else cool looking.
Even though Fountain of Youth is aggressively mediocre, I’m ok with the attempt. It’s a new spin on old folklore, and I appreciate the effort to not just resort to green screening everything and making the movie look cheap. Next time though, just make this Jenna Fischer and John Krasinski maybe? At least we know that pairing would work comedically. Or even better, Hayden Christiansen and Natalie Portman, at least to make this thing the most memeable disaster that I’d watch over and over again.