Dumpuary is the mean term for the January movie releases. I go glass half full with them: yes some are disasters, but some just aren’t easily marketable but still excellent, and some are movies with lower ambitions and they know it. One of the staples I get excited for is the first horror movie of January. This year’s, Primate, is closer to M3GAN in what it’s going for, delivering exactly what you want with the ridiculous setup and incredible tag line: “They thought he was family.”
Lucy (Johnny Sequoyah) has just returned home to Hawaii after a long college stay. She’s arrived with her BFF Kate (Victoria Wyant) and Kate’s partier friend Hannah (Jessica Alexander) for some well deserved R&R overlooking the beautiful Hawaiian Coastline. Lucy’s dad Adam (Troy Kotsur) is happy to see her home, but Lucy’s little sister Erin (Gia Hunter) is abrasive to big sis, unhappy at Lucy going AWOL at college for so long. Oh, and one more family member is also excited to see Luce: Ben (Miguel Torres Umba), the adopted chimpanzee that knows sign language, works with iPads, and is basically a little brother. A little brother that may or may not have just been bitten by a rabid mongoose right as Lucy got home.
That’s how you do it. Primate knows exactly what it’s doing, and gives us exactly what we want when a brutal kill happens 5 minutes into the movie. Throw a bunch of hot on the rise actors into a beautiful location, maybe a great actor in a supporting role (great choice with the excellent Troy Kotsur), and slowly let the mayhem commence. With the right knowingly silly gag or two thrown in for a giggle; that iPad is used as the perfect tension diffuser, as the psychotic Ben repeatedly taps “Lucy.” “Bad.” over and over again. 90 minutes later, we out. Johannes Roberts is building a great resume for films like these: the minute the tension starts to flag, he switches things up with a chaotic crazy action sequence. The kills are handled depending on how much we’re supposed to like the character involved. If it’s one of the main people, Johannes plays it slow motion sad and cuts away for dignity. And if it’s one of the ahole boys that show up because they were promised p*ssy? Well, let’s just say THAT kill is an early highlight of the year.
Even less than M3GAN, I don’t think there’s even any message in Primate for anyone. What’s promised is what’s delivered, and what’s delivered is straight up exquisite garbage for all to enjoy. I was squirming and cackling at the same time, and very likely you will too. “Primate.” “Kill.” “Kill.” Let’s use that iPad gimmick again please!