Welcome to 2025’s Cash Grab the Classics, sponsored by Disney! We’ve got something real special for you today: the all time classic, the OG classic, the movie that started it all. We’re gonna go through Snow White, scene by scene, and modernize everything: not because you wanted it, but because we need some BS reason other than “soulless profits” to sell the audience on the new movie. Hell for an extra $15, we’ll let you whistle while you watch the movie. Gotta give the people what they want! Bleh.
For 3 year olds, Snow White (Rachel Zegler) is the orphaned heir to the throne of a magical kingdom, after losing both her parents. Her stepmother, the Queen (Gal Gadot) rules with a selfish diamond fist, insisting every morning from her magic mirror that she’s the fairest in the land. When the mirror chooses Snow White one day, the furious Queen orders Snow White executed, but before the job is done, the girl flees into the woods, stumbling upon a house with 7 tiny beds.
Despite what the internet says, ” Snow White’s wokeness” didn’t doom Snow White from the get go. Frankly, Rachel Zegler’s the lone bright spot in this movie, giving a wonderfully sumptuous musical and Disney heroine performance. No, vacuums ruined Snow White, because all the magic gets sucked from this story. Yes the dwarves are played by CGI creations; feel what you want about that decision, but also stripping the 7 of them from their key roles in the original’s fate and not distinguishing them at all is frankly more insulting that their rendering. Also puzzling was the casting of Gal Gadot, who succeeds in 2 types of roles: hero, or smokeshow. She’s neither here, doubly ruining the Queen cause she can’t sing and can’t act well enough to make the villian at all memorable. The CGI is uninspiring and lazy, a long cry from the 1937 2D drawings that made the story pop with the excitement of the new. Speaking of pop, I’d have thought this movie would have some great new songs to add to the mix, but they’re only slightly better than forgettable because Rachel Zegler is belting them out, elevating them out of that modern Sondheim mediocrity shape and tone. And finally/worst of all, the story modernizations aren’t thought out enough, falling apart if you’re over the age of 8 and can ask basic questions like “why wouldn’t the Queen kill Snow White when she has her trapped many times?” or “why did Snow White accept an apple from a weirdo?”. When a lot of vacuums are going at once like that, you can’t hear the sound of the story over their snow white noise.
When are y’all gonna listen to me Disney? Remake the BAD ones or ones no one’s ever heard of. I like the Rescuers, but don’t love it, and that might be fun to animate. People loved Ratatouille, so why wouldn’t they love a Great Mouse Detective? Oliver and Company about singing cats? Come on! The Sword in the Stone for some middle ages magic! Great! Browsing the wikipedia page, I’ve never even heard of the really early stuff, which is little vignette films, a fun new wrinkle to try. Melody Time sounded very fun (like Fantasia), or do a story withing a story like Fun and Fancy Free that’s at least TRYING something new. But frankly, at this point, I’d rather you try to cancel yourself and go back to the drawing board by attempting to “unwoke” Disney with your “brilliant” Saludos Amigos or Song of the South. When are we getting those re releases by the way?