Your child’s favorite Renaissance reptiles are back, Michael Bay style. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboots the kids franchise, complete with explosions, the Shredder, April O’Neil, and pizza. However, director Jonathan Liebesman probably shouldn’t have made kids write the screenplay for the movie. Oh wait…they didn’t? Uh oh.
The movie starts with plucky journalist April O’Neil (Megan Fox) trying to uncover the criminal misanthropy of the Foot Clan and their leader, the Shredder (Tohorue Masamune). While searching for her big break, April uncovers another one: that the Foot are being usurped by 4 giant fighting turtles: Leonardo (Pete Ploszek/Johnny Knoxville), Donatello (Jeremy Howard), Michelangelo (Noel Fisher), and Raphael (Alan Ritchson). That story obviously sounds ludicrous to her editor so April and trusted cameraman Vernon (Will Arnett) solicit the help of April’s dad’s former partner scientist, Eric Sacks (William Fichtner), who seems unshocked by the turtles’ existence.
This movie has no intention of placating to any adults in the audience: probably half of the total viewers. Much like Michael Bay’s Transformer films, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is aimed at the lowest common denominator of person, but in mostly insulting ways. Instead of listing the thinly drawn characters leading to a lack of a payoff in the movie’s climax, I’ll leave you with this act of stupidity. At the beginning of the film, Megan Fox is asked to do a segment on the news about summer workouts on a trampoline (heh heh, Fox jumping on a trampoline). In the next 10 minutes, she proceeds up a hill with a giant snowstorm going on. In addition, neither she nor the cameraman decide to wear any sort of outer garment, as if the stunning shift in climate is a figment of their imagination.
Not much help in the acting department here. Fox is actually quite plucky and winning as April; in fact, some of the best material is about her trying to become a real journalist. Tony Shaloub deserves more screen time as Splinter, always the secret weapon of the TMNT franchise. Will Arnett relieves John Tuturro of his sidekick duties with pointless results. William Fichtner scares no one with his generic villain shtick. Worst of all, none of the turtles outside of Michelangelo are much fun or worthwhile, especially disappointing because the conflict between the brothers can be mined for lots of comedy/drama.
The first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie was very dark and sinister; since then, the stories have gotten more cartoonish and childlike, but so have the screenplays. The 2014 version of the turtles rings the most hollow yet, further driving the franchise into the sewer. They even try to push Will Arnett and Megan Fox together; come on, writers, there’s no chance in hell that would ever happen.