Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom reminds me of a certain type of sports team. We’re a few years removed from that team’s peak, and slowly beloved players start getting traded, one by one. Until, at the end, all you have is maybe the star and a shell of it’s former self, as the new behind the scenes brass starts their rebuilding process. You know what people feel about those types of sports teams? Anger, sadness, and eventually nothing, which I will feel about Aquaman and the DCEU, as it comes to a close and we enter the James Gunn era.
Since we last left Arthur Curry (Jason Momoa), he’s been trying to lead Atlantis. A tough task for the wild child, now overseeing underwater bureaucratic disputes while taking care of his baby with wife Mera (Amber Heard) and help from his dad (Temuera Morrison). Arthur has to shift his focus soon to David Kane (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II), who has discovered new dark powers with the help of scientist Stephen Shin (Randall Park). Powers that can wreak havoc not only underwater but for the planet in general.
There’s exactly 1 ok sequence in The Lost Kingdom. That’s when Jason Momoa and Patrick Wilson are sniping at each other as they try to raid Kane’s secret volcano lair spewing green smoke in the air (sure). At least those two look like they’re enjoying themselves there, and there’s enough weird James Wan creatures to keep the audience’s attention for a brief few minutes. Other than that? Everything’s either forgettable or straight up bad. For an ending, we spend about an hour on lore and backstory that no one really cares about because it’s all going to vanish after this movie. During this time, we get to see Nicole Kidman nowhere near her costars behind a CGI green screen, Amber Heard barely acknowledged though she’s kinda important to the story, and some half-assed shot, reshot, and redoubleshot CGI that ends up looking like blurred out porn you’d watch on Skinemax in the early 2000s…um, not that I know anything about that. Yahya Abdul-Mateen II said in interviews he wanted to “explore David Kane’s character” when he signed on again. I guess that means turning his eyes green, a reflection of the money he’s probably counting, since he’s possessed the entire running length of the film? Along the way, we get half assed commentary on carbon emissions, family commitments, and how to be a leader that feel more like checkpoints to cross off then any actual real attempt to say something different than a Fast and Furious movie.
Whatever. I don’t care. And neither did the filmmakers of Aquaman and the Lost Kindom. So you shouldn’t either. In this season of family, show everyone involved here what real family means, by spending time with the people you love, while the DCEU can go away in quiet, unfulfilled “Release the Snyder Cut” sadness.