Argylle reminded me of an important lesson to remember when watching a movie. Pointless and bad are two different things. Red Notice is probably where I started conflating the two, because that movie is both, and thinks it’s not. Argylle is undeniably Matthew Vaughn at his most pointless, that is true. And while there are some pretty terrible elements, Vaughn’s line flirting icky sense of humor is too sharp to have the movie be full on bad. But remember, low expectations go a long way here.
After a fun little reading introducing the audience to Agent Argylle (Henry Cavill), his #2 Wyatt (John Cena), and his mark LaGrange (Dua Lipa), we meet the book writer behind the popular series, Elly Conway (Bryce Dallas Howard) and her adorable back packed cat Alfie. While traveling to visit her mom (Catherine O’Hara), Elly gets accosted on a train by Terrorist Leader Ritter’s (Bryan Cranston) assassins. Thankfully, she’s saved by a bearded, unkempt “good” assassin named Aidan (Sam Rockwell) who informs Elly that she’s basically a novelist prophet, as everything she writes has come true, and Aidan needs her to write the next chapter to know what to do.
What Argylle has that generic terrible “fun” action movies don’t is Vaughn’s personality, which will determine if you will enjoy his latest. From Kick-Ass to Kingsman to even some parts of X-Men, Vaughn at his best has this kinetic f*ck you energy that is ready and willing to do something crazy and exciting, like Chloe Grace Moretz as Hit Girl, a character that shouldn’t work but in Vaughn’s hands somehow does. But at his worst? You’re gonna squirm in your seat at the laissez faire attitude Vaughn takes, especially to violence taboos. Argylle is on the weaker end of Vaughn’s filmography, more enamored with spy thriller beats and putting on a show in the same way Robert Zemeckis has been interested in some CGI spectacle over coherent storytelling. His action directing among the worst of his movies, will hyper obvious CGI really taking you out of the fun the movie wants you to have. But, Vaughn’s essence is still in there, in this case, in the dumb bonkers way, with heaps of double crossing inception running the first half of the movie, and truly insane, cacklingly nonsensical callback action sequences that delight because they own their stupidity.
And also unlike movies like The Gray Man, most of the game cast knows Argylle is a hot heap of over the top trash. Henry Cavill and John Cena are having a ball in the super serious version of this movie, hunking it up to Bryce Dallas Howard’s delight. When he’s onscreen, Vaughn lets Sam Rockwell cook, carrying the film for a long time until the murky story comes into focus. Bryan Cranston and Catherine O’Hara also hard commit to the bit, especially the mustache twirling Cranston, going full Dr. Evil. And there’s Bryce Dallas Howard in the middle of all of Argylle’s mess. She’s unfortunately got the straight man part here, and lacks the charisma of most of her costars, but she’s at least trying at gets to have a bit of fun by the end.
Argylle might have been better served being dumped onto Apple TV, living a long life as a streaming version of a TNT movie. I will enjoy watching pieces of this one going forward. What’s nice about watching it all the way through now is I don’t really need context anymore, because it literally does not matter. I can just turn of ma brain and let Matthew Vaughn’s nihilistic hate flow through me for a few dastardly minutes before going out for the night.