I’m growing more and more convinced that Dwayne Johnson isn’t a real person. He’s a humanoid creature molded by corporations to seem human enough to look like a movie star or wrestler, and mass entertain people in the broadest ways possible. What eludes him though is that ability to understand true human behavior, and how it would appear on the big screen. He’s now made disasters across 3 different genres: the action comedy, the superhero movie, and now the Christmas movie, thanks to Red One! So keep searching for that human heart Tin Man, you’ll find the Wizard one of these days.
The Rock plays Callum Drift, who is Red One aka Santa’s (JK Simmons) head of security. A day before Red One’s big Xmas Eve trek across the planet, a breach in the North Pole sees Santa taken hostage. After consulting with North Pole Director Zoe Harlow (Lucy Liu), Callum seeks out “The Wolf”, who’s really just hyper cynical super tracker Jack O’Malley (Chris Evans), ready to help search for Red One…for whatever best price he can get.
As far as this Action Comedy goes, I guess the action is a little better? There’s a fun CGI sequence involving snowmen, a decent CGI chase across the North Pole, and an ok practical set with a Christmas adjacent character in Europe. So that’s…10ish minutes out of a two hour movie, yeesh! I spotted some of the worst green screening of the year since Madame Web, where everyone’s so clearly talking to no one. The big ending sequences are of the CGI Taken variety, fast cutting and so blurry you don’t really know what’s happening most of the time. The movie telegraphs all it’s “twists”, and has a line of dialogue to make sure you are following along after the reveal. And as corporately mandated, each sticky situation Callum or Jack get into they get bailed out by kid supported product placement like Hot Wheels or Rock Em Sock Em Robots.
And that’s the BETTER parts of Red One. As stupid as those 900 Hallmark movies are, there’s usually a heart underneath them, pure in Christmas season spirit. Or even the other way, you can get a Bad Santa or Spirited that’s raising the middle finder to that purity. Red One can’t decide which way it wants to go, settling for…I guess indifference? That’ll make the people want to see your movie…when you have NOTHING you want them to feel. Except confusion apparently, because our humanoid Dwayne is Red Noticing it again, along with Chris Evans, saying things that are supposed to be punchlines or sound funny, that simply…are not. Not even a little. Not one laugh in my theater for all 2 hours of this supposed “comedy:” a truly incredible feat of condescending, lazy filmmaking.
So give yourselves a muted round of applause, everyone involved in Red One! Muted of course from the eons of dollars you got to make this pointless garbage. You make me yearn for another Princess Switch, which mopped the floor with you on Christmas heist movies by the way, with a tenth of your bloated budget. So everyone, just stay home, and chill with Netflix or Hallmark and feel gooey, instead of feeling icky that you spent $30 to see a movie that encourages you to spend more money because The Rock and Captain America said so.